—FrEe-yOuR-miNd— (by sjm)

it’s one of those moments when i should be doing other things than writing… but whenever i am supposed to be concentrating on studies, other trivial things fill my mind instead. right now, memories and what i experienced this past year shoot through my head. just by looking at the pictures the many happy times become visible again… yet those photographs failed to capture the times of loneliness and despair. 2007 was indeed filled with many alternating ups and downs through which i have extracted my lessons and learned more about myself, including many things i already knew as a passive observer but once i got involved myself i somehow changed my attitude.

success definitely sided with my professional advancement last year…. at work i was entrusted with more responsibility and acknowledged for all my efforts. it was fun yet also exhausting going on business trips. then in the summer i received the much awaited acceptance into a renowned school in London for my master studies. it was not an easy choice to make whether to accept the offer and quit work, or postpone the plans of studying to keep working. in the end, i chose to become a full-time student again… i do not regret it although it was and sometimes still is quite an adjustment after having worked for so long.

the ups and downs have been more of a personal encounter: family-wise and in relationship matters. i experienced how love ones cared so much that it already hurt, how disappointment became a sure companion of trusting, but also how to love beyond imperfections and how to rise again after every fall. there are no guarantees in life. we have to take it and deal with it as it comes… i think this quote best describes how we should go through life:

"Life is a one-way street.
No matter how many detours you take,
none of them leads back.
So enjoy life every moment as none of them
will happen the same way again."

Thus, the ups and downs belong to our life. it cannot be all good or bad. i am grateful for all the happy moments, especially those i can share with others. and i derive my lessons from all the bad and sorrowful experiences. after all, i feel blessed to have friends who have been there for me to make each day brighter, and bear with me even when i am in a solitary mood. all in all, i am grateful for every single day in 2007, yet look forward to what awaits this year.

i am ready for 2008 =)

outside i hear the rain pouring and thunders breaking through the sky after every lightening. it seems like every thunderbolt reflects the screams of my heart… it is nights like these that i feel like going out there and let the rain cleanse my soul and make my salty tears disappear with the cold water running down my face. every raindrop touching my skin and flowing down my body would wash away a little melancholy. how i wished the rain could wash it away completely and make my troubles vanish forever…

"I am in a relationship. And so far, I can safely say I’m happy being in it. You see, I am happy to finally settle in a relationship that’s been weathered by life’s pain and difficulties. Despite not seeing him for 11 months every year, I feel contented enough with our present set-up, communicating only by text messaging, phone calls and occasional e-mails.

Living life a thousand miles away from him has given me some sense of control and freedom, but not without the occasional pangs of loneliness everytime I am reminded that yes, I am physically single in this part of the world. Though I am not that desensitized to a possible attraction with another male, I always mentally remind myself that, hey, I am not in any way available anymore, and that whatever I do will have its repercussion in my life in one way or another, like it or not. I will not give in to the demons appearing from time to time.

The difficult thing with being physically single is that you always have to remind yourself that you do belong to someone out there on the other side of the world, but unfortunately, he can’t be with you right now, sorry. Of course, being physically single doesn’t give me the right to flirt in any which way I want. I could have friends, of course. I could even still go out on a date. But at the end of the day, I have to face the reality that I am alone. Physically, that is. And the hardest part is in getting used to it.

However, I keep telling myself that the physical distance between us is just one of the tests our relationship must go through. If we can overcome this situation, we will be strong enough to face any other problems coming our way. Maybe I should have chosen someone who would be near me whenever I need him, but then again, we can’t really predict who we fall in love with. True to say, love does move in mysterious ways.

And so it passes… The clock is ticking, and just like all the other nights that came and went, I am still alone. It’s been going on like this for more than 3 years, but honestly, I’d rather be alone physically than jeopardize the relationship with the one man I truly love.

Sure, it’s hard being alone. But it’s not something anyone can’t get used to (even if it takes the longest time to get used to it). I look at his picture and smile, knowing that on the other side of the world, I do belong to someone. And that on the other side of the world, I am never alone…"

DisTanCe dOes nOT maTTeR… beinG CLOse is an aFFaiR Of The heaRT…

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our dark that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people don’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people the right to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

(From MTV’s 2005 movie Coach Carter)

* A good friend is like a good bra… hard to find, comfortable, supportive, prevents your from falling, holds you tight - and is always close to your heart.

* I never expected that I would meet someone that would even come close to who you are and I never planned of falling for the person that you are after I have met you. But then again, love has its own reasons and you are every reason why I am in love.

* Most relationships fail not because of the absence of love. Love is always present. It’s just that one loves too much an the other loves too little.

* Falling in love is like being caught in the middle of a storm. It would engulf you, swing you and carry you away. That’s why you have to hold onto something stable.

* Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It’s not soemthing you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything. (Muhammad Ali)

* I don’t know the key to success. But the key to failure is trying to please everybody. (Bill Cosby)

* You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do. (Eleanor Roosevelt)

* Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly. (Langston Hughes)

* To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don’t want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt. (Madonna)

* Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but by how we react to what happens, not by what life brings us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark that creates extraordinary results.

* Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today? (Mary Manin Morrissey)

* Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face. (Victor Hugo)

* The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything… They just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

* Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

* Heartbreaks will last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.

have you ever felt like a decision you make could change the course of your life completely? (and i don’t mean decisions of what clothes to wear.) whenever i come to a point where i have to decide about life issues, first shivers run over me, afraid of making the wrong choice. but is there actually such a thing we can call a "wrong choice/decision"?

every once in a while we have to make decisions, sometimes the choices we have are abundant, sometimes it is quite easy to decide, yet still we occupy our minds with the pros & cons of each option we have. once we have made a decision and we are satisfied with the course our life has taken, there is usually no looking back for us. however, soon as we have to deal with unexpected negative consequences, often regrets fill our minds and what-if questions suddenly arise.

i believe it is completely unnecessary to look back even if we may not be that satisfied with the outcomes. i’ve always been the kind who takes what i get and make the best out of it. making mistakes is human. no one is perfect, mistakes & failures are made to learn from. in fact, mistakes should be considered as opportunities to make things better. we are given those opportunities and should not take them for granted. eventually, we have the ability to choose our own path…

… the choices you make, not the chances you take, determine your destiny…

…wrote this poem six years ago…. funny how some things never change…

Many of us believe that love is forever, that love never dies. Only to be disillusioned in the end when we find our hands empty and our hearts longing. Mistakenly, we have looked at love as a need to be fulfilled. But love is not only a gift given to us. We should not hold it in our hearts for we may never find the strength to let it go when it decides to leave. We should only embrace its warmth and glow while it lasts and then freely open our arms when it’s time to say goodbye. When we all fall in love with someone, we don’t want that feeling to end for it is everything we are, everything that we wanted to be. We pray that love will stay and grow in our hearts. But, if it doesn’t last then we should never let our lives be taken by it, for life should not end where heartaches begin. There is always a reason why we have to move on. When we have to say goodbye to the feelings we wanted to stay forever, let us not wave our hands with a heavy heart. For love will have to set its wings free and find the place where it belongs. We may have lost it but then again, when we close our eyes and listen to the echoes of our heart, we will hear that feeling resounding silently forever.

Then we’ll know that it has never left us. For the good that we have become because of love will always stay. It will always be reminding us that we should be thankful and happy, not because we have lived in our hearts, but because it made us happy….